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The Jack of Joker. Get it yet?

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Love n' Hate

2009-02-04 22:56:29 by lavalampa


So I was thinking the other day, about all the sexual partners I have, about 3, 3.5 if you count cock-slapping. And I realized I wanted to try something long term. So I searched for this 'rose' in the feild of dandylions (Gay ass metaphore) and I suppose I found her. She doesn't smoke pot or ciggerettes, doesn't drink, works hard, and basicly the perfect chick. However its then that I realized something - I live one fucked up lifestyle. I smoke ciggerettes, the occasional MJ, I drink like a fish at weekend parties, and masturbate like the worlds ending (Not true...I swear). Once we started talking, I realized how opposite we were, including the fact that she is like this spanish-like color and I'm as white as rice (I can blend to a white-board). I don't quite think its going to work, because she doesn't quite 'dig' me. Never calls, never texts like she used to. Hell we used to stay up untill midnight just getting to know one another on the phone. Now its changed after a month - which is way to long, and now it seems I'm stuck on the 'Friend' side of the fence, never to be anything more. I almost decided to revert to my constant drinking and fucking (almost like a pair of jack-rabbits in spring) and getting so high that time itself slowed down and I could jump and slap God (He hits back). So I guess I'll just stick it through (Thats what she said) and see if shit can change, or I can just go back to enjoying life... dateing sucks... MJ is great - gets you laid faster and it feels like pounding your slong between two tightly pressed hot buttered muffins that wern't cooked fully ant its still a bit goopy on top...

Sorry I lost my place, anyways I guess the moral is: if you're talking to a chick you like for more then 2 weeks, and still haven't even just walked around the block with her just talking face to face - you're a friend - move on, or simply see if your cat can withstand your length. Or be like the Amish... when they turn 18 they get a pair of velcroe gloves... SHIZAM!

Off track agian, anyways folks, if you're over 16 you know this. If you don't then you need to switch teams because obviously pussy ain't your game and you're not trying hard enough - take it up the ass and see how you like it (Your dad LOVES it!) Kidding of course, but if you want one night stand pointers - here ya go...

Step 1. Make friends with guys who have older brothers who can get BOOZE
Step 2. Go to a party, get a bit tipsy, act drunk, find a hammered chick.
Step 3. Compliment her, do I need to hold your hand with that one?
Step 4. Bring her home, or stay at the party and go in the bathroom... did I mention bring a rubber?
Step 5. You should probably get to know your homie who's hosting the party well enough to fuck in his bathroom, if not you're probably getting kicked out, or watched by the fat sweaty kid who thought he needed to down 18 beers to get drunk, but only needed 6.
Step 6. If you lasted 2 minutes or less, keep going, if you're only tipsy getting it back up should be no problem - you don't want the reputation of a minute man.
Step 7. Send me $20?
Step 8. Lather, rinse, repeate. Or next time get seriously hammered and try it... Its like a roller coaster with your dick...

There are other ways to get laid.... SOBER.... but its just fun without the commitment, and I'm cynicle so fuck ya'll. I'm also afraid of commitment and if I lie about my name, they'll be so hammered they can't even make out my face. Technically its not rape if shes inebreated, but if she says stop, just cock slap her.
Agian if you think its rape, you've clearly need to get laid.